Dr. Phil N. DeBlanc, Professor of Gravitas Emeritus at the University of Oxlip, today released a controversial study for peer review.
Titled “The Unbearable Heaviness of Hucking: Extreme Sports Increase Gravity Consumption to Our Everlasting Peril,” Dr. DeBlanc’s data suggests that Earth’s gravity is being depleted at an unsustainable rate. Among his findings:
– Based on its land mass and population, the United States generates 8.71% of the Earth’s gravitational field.
– Due to the proliferation of elevators, escalators and most recently extreme gravity sports, Americans consume 59% of the earth’s gravity.
– Our gravity-consumptive lifestyle is growing exponentially and could lead to an “unpredictable lightness of being.”
Dr. DeBlanc delivered his paper before the annual meeting of the International Research Scientists Wondering, Now What? in Helvetica, Switzerland.
Dr. DeBlanc warned, “It used to be that gravity sports — sky diving, skiing, Olympic 10-meter platform events — were the avocation of the privileged few. Today, millions of youths are quite the eager gravity hogs. Bungee jumping. Skateboarding down lengthy shopping mall handrails. Para-anything-ing.”
Recent developments in ski lift use have dramatically shifted gravity exchange rates, he noted. “Exertion-free rides up mountains are robbing Earth of a reliable source of gravity replenishment,” Dr. DeBlanc said. “Mountain biking from ski lifts burns gravity voraciously. Meanwhile, old-fashioned stem-plant-stem skiers, who naturally conserved gravity, are dying off. They are being replace by ‘go for it’ skiers. ”
“I urge them to forego it!” Dr. DeBlanc tragically punned before his IRSW,NW? colleagues.
Dr. DeBlanc calculated that at current rates of gravity depletion, by the year 2016 average Americans will be back to average weight.