It’s true (it’s plastered all over the Internet): Michael Phelps eats mayonnaise for breakfast (along with three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and fried onions, two cups of coffee, one five-egg omelet, one bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes).

If Phelps lived in Jackson, he’d probably eat most of his meals at Bubba’s (he’d order about five Working Man’s specials) with breakfast burritos from Down on Glen as an appetizer and maybe interludes at the Teton Steakhouse to spice things up.

Can someone please write a kid’s song about Phelps’ menu for aspiring Olympians?

America’s Darling consumes about 12,000 calories a day and you can, too. In fact, about a quarter of our country’s people may already be on this diet.

Personally, I’m closer to the Olympics than the average American. For, I have two out of three ingredients in the Recipe for Winning More Gold Medals Than Anyone Ever In The Whole Wide Entire World*: Grow up in Towson, MD/attend Towson High School (I went to school with Michael’s sisters Whitney and Hilary), eat egg sandwiches and pasta at most meals and
swim- five-hours-a-day-six-days-a-week-maintaining-a-cut-bod-a-good-attitude-
and-a-sense-of-humor-despite-serious-pressure-and-a-young-age.

So, yeah, the last one is a bit lacking my life (read: non-existent). But, not bad for a commoner. Now, about that exercising/ripped/composed elite athlete part….

* In five days, the 23-year-old “human dolphin” has won five races and set five world records (often beating his own previous world record); he has broken 30 since he was 15.

Lauren M. Whaley thinks maybe if she rode her bike 10 hours a day, she could start to maybe possibly approach the Phelps Diet, which would include, but not be limited to the following: McDonald’s bacon, egg and cheese biscuit (at least two), Caramel Machiattos (at least two), warm raspberry rubarb pie, crunchy apples dipped in chunky peanut butter, crunchy brownies topped with cookie dough and oreo ice cream, as much cheese as possible, especially brie, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cap’n Crunch, Fruit Loops, Honey Smacks, Lucky Charms, shrimp scampi and Fettucini Alfredo, cannolis, garlic bread smeared with real butter and lots of danishes, pastries and croissants. YUM!